


Nameless here forevermore

by FujiDawn



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Hurt feelings, Loki Angst, Loki being selfless, Loki's pretty OOC, Past Relationship(s), Thor2-Spoilers, Understanding Thor, basically an angst-feast, mascara alert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-15 06:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1295050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FujiDawn/pseuds/FujiDawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had enough of proving himself worthy. He was unable to be such, and he knew that by now. He'd never know how it felt to be accepted for oneself, would never be more than a monster to whomever he encountered, Thor included.</p><p>It was enough.</p><p>(Still adding Thor2-Spoilers - perhaps there are people out there who haven't seen it yet.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nameless here forevermore

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tsuyu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuyu/gifts).



> This flew to me last week and I had to get it out. It's a bit complicated, but it's finally done, and it was hard work.  
> Thanks to Tsuyu, who confirmed to me that this could be heartbreaking. I can do this, too, honey!  
> You're warned.

They found Tony crying, hunched over her, halfway out of the suit.

The slightly curled, almost black hair spread out in the dirt, dragged through the rapidly growing puddle of blood.

The gash on her head oozed the thick red liquid like a well, a steady flow that painted Tony's hands a deep crimson when he tried to wipe it away.

Hulks face fell when he saw his favourite human crouched on the floor, whispering words he did not understand to the tiny human his other human was rather fond of. Captain put a hand on his arm when he made a questioning sound and a step forward, holding him back.

“Let him be.”

“My Tony.”

“Yes. But he needs a moment alone.”

Alone did not sound good to Hulk. But Tony did not look good either.

He decided to heed the words of Captain.

The loud one stepped forward, the one whose Hammer was too heavy for Hulk to lift.

“Stark. What happened?”, he said. His voice was not as loud as usual.

Tony looked up, and Hulk had never seen him so sad before.

 

 

“I... I don't know.”

“I took down one of the DoomBots.”

A yell.

“There was one behind me. I think.”

A second yell. Jarvis relaying to him that she was being attacked.

Why had she been here?

“I wanted to get her out of the mess. How did she get here?”

He'd never seen anyone dodge so fast before. Not even Natasha.

“She threw a punch as if she thought to break it. Her hand broke instead. She screamed.”

He'd never hear her voice again. Or her laugh. Her scolding.

“I crashed the Bot, and Jarvis warned me of another.”

Behind him. She had screamed at him to get away.

“It had some kind of weapon. New tech. It fired, and she jumped right into it. Hit her head when she fell.”

She'd been dead before she hit the ground.

“J says the thing would have killed me even in the suit. She saved my life.”

“Tony...”

“I let her die. This was meant for me, and I let her die. She was just a girl.”

“Tony.”

“ _Why was she here?!_ ”

“I'm sorry, Sir.”, Jarvis said from his helmet. “She overrode my protocols to exit the penthouse.”

“What? How?”

“It seems she was able to re-write your coding, Sir.”

How in the world had she learned that? She'd never even installed a single program herself.

Liv had been his best friend besides Bruce. His lover from times past. His conscience, his rock. She had been there for a decade, never leaving, always understanding, exactly what he needed.

She couldn't be gone.

She'd stayed when he ended things three years earlier, she had forced him to finally date Bruce, she had been like the Fairy Godmother he had always dreamed about and never gotten before.

She'd been his life. As much as Bruce was.

Thor stepped forward and effortlessly detangled Tony from the woman. The human did not protest, just watched with wide eyes, tears still falling, how the blonde lifted her in his broad arms with ease and a gentle grip that spoke of tenderness and devotion the two had never shared.

“Say your goodbyes.”, the god demanded. “I will see her home.”

Tony hollered.

“She's dead!”, he screamed, completely gone in his hysteria addled brain. “What are you doing?”

“I will return her home. The home she defied, but which I know she always loved.”

She looked so small and fragile in his arms.

And now that he really saw Thor, Tony recognized a deep pain in his blue eyes, a grief so imminent and devouring it stopped his breath for a moment.

When did that happen?

“Why do you care? You never exchanged a friendly word with each other.”

The King of Asgard did not let his gaze fall from her soft features, marred with blood, knowledge of the demise coming for her etched on her face.

“Her home is here. With us.”

“You are a good friend, Stark, and a worthy comrade, but I have watched you, and I know her home was never here as much as it was Asgard.”

“What? What does that mean?”, Tony snarled.

Thor shifted his hold so he could wipe away a part of the mess on her cheek with his palm, her pale cheek cold to his skin. Colder than he had known it to be these last years.

“You never saw her for what she truly was.”, he whispered. “Seven years she has shared your bed, your life, and you never saw her. You saw the face, and what she wanted you to see. Then you left her broken, and she stayed just because she had no other choice, no other place to go, no other way.”

No one understood.

“She has given up all she was for you. All she had. She has never loved another being like she loved you – she gave up herself for you.”

Carefully folding the petite woman's arms so they would not dangle helplessly, the god leaned her head against his chest and kissed her forehead before looking into the sky.

“Thor, what do you mean?”, Natasha asked softly. “Liv was--”

“--Loki. He has surrendered throne, life and magic for a mortal body and a last chance of happiness. You meant well, but you failed to see what lay underneath. So I will take her, and offer the last honour I can bestow upon her. Her farewell will be worthy of what she has sacrificed. Of her.”

Tony looked horrified by that revelation, but Thor did not inquire about the reason. He did not care.

Loki had lost her game.

He never thought it would hurt as much as before.

“Goodbye.”

Heimdall opened the Bifröst.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

„I think we need to talk, Liv.“

“Oh goodness, don't make it sound like you want to break up with me.”, the woman snorted.

Tony did not answer. In fact, he didn't even look at her, just clutching his mug full of black draught of the walking dead with tense fingers, idly tapping a rhythm with his index and shoulders raised just so that she knew that instant her worst nightmare would come true.

Of course, she had anticipated it. Had known it would come to this – it always would. There was no other way for her than misery, loneliness and abandonment, but that did not mean she did not feel as if the rug had been pulled out from under her feet.

Heart racing, pulse quickening, face going pale – it was nothing knew.

It hurt nonetheless.

“You want to break up with me.”, she intoned, her voice a flat and thin whisper when realization hit that she would lose him, too.

Him. Tony, Anthony Stark, for whom she had given up everything.

Bitterness seeping right down into her core, making her stomach lurch with all she had been able to put aside this last decade of living, of existing outside of a World where she would be seen a monster.

All her failures, all her mistakes.

The Red.

“I... think I'm in love with someone else.”

It was not hard to find out who had stolen his heart away from her.

“Bruce.”

“Oh Gods Liv, I wish I wouldn't do that to you. Really. I love you. I adore you, I worship you. I don't know what happened.”

His fingers tightened around the cup.

“It's not fair to either of you if I go on like this. You deserve more from a lover.”

She chuckled. It ranged a bit too much on hysterical for her liking, but her throat did not really heed her orders.

“I'm sorry.”

No.

Loki was. She was sorry.

Sorry to be born, sorry to be alive, sorry for this mess of a life she had lived, sorry for the pain she brought upon others.

And she had known how this would end. Had known and felt it for months.

How it always ended.

With her alone and deserted.

But that was just how it was. She had come to accept that. It would never change.

Well. Never was not so much of an eternity now as it had been before.

“It's okay. I understand.”, she whispered, tiredly trying to wipe away the tears that threatened to fall. “He's a good man. I can see why you'd fall for him.”

“No, no, you're supposed to be angry at me. Please, come on, rage. Throw something. Hit me! You're not supposed to be that kind in a situation like that.”, Tony pleaded with his warm eyes, so full of self-loathing and anger directed at himself.

Loki laughed softly under her tears, her voice thick.

“I will not hit you. It's okay, really. I've known something was wrong with us.”

It hurt so much.

“He always gave you more than I could. You are so much closer to him than to anybody else, it should have happened sooner.”

A half-truth, covering the fact that she would have indeed had just as much to offer, even without magic to aid her. And didn't that just cut deeper? Tony had always loved a brilliant mind, and Loki would have been able to give him so much if she just had told him of her true nature.

It was too late. Even if not, she would have never been able to prove courage and lay open her secrets. She had too much to lose.

“I can promise to stay away from him completely. We can fix us. I don't want to hurt you.”

They wouldn't. No one ever had.

“It is fine, Tony. Better to do it now than be bitter when it doesn't work out. Don't insult my people-readings-skills, this is no mere crush.”

He sighed.

“I'm so sorry, Liv. You deserve better than an old man who leaves you over another guy.”

Shaking her head, she finally blinked away the last tear. She would not cry.

“Don't be so hard on yourself. It happens. It will be okay. We'll be okay. That is, if you want to stay in contact.”

Losing his love was one thing, losing _him_ she would not be able to weather. It was bad enough that he was nearing sixty already. He had barely twenty years to live any more, if that.

“Of course! Gods, Liv, I could never cut you out. You're like my best friend.”

She laughed again, to hide the fact that her heart withered inside her and she died that moment.

“Don't be ridiculous. Bruce always was your best friend. I wish you the best of luck with him, I really do. Just... give me a week's time to get settled somewhere else.”

 

 

He had offered her an apartment some floors down, and though Loki really did want to leave the Tower, she could not. At least still living in there would ensure that she could see him regularly.

It was so pathetic she laughed about herself the first thirty minutes.

She'd been lucky that Jane was down on Midgard. Loki had sought her out, asked if she could stay a single night so she could work out what to do from now on.

Laughing had turned to sobbing, crying, howling and cursing her life, her whole existence, her fate.

If Jane heard her gross depiction of desperation and forlornness, she did not act on it the next morning.

 

 

With the right push at the right time, Tony and Bruce had indeed hit it off.

It was the perfect match. Made in Heaven, so to speak, and Loki had felt the bittersweet sting for months. She was honestly happy for them, but that did not lessen the fact that she had been tossed aside like a broken toy.

Loki never let anyone see her hurt and pain. Her grief.

They had stayed friends, good friends, BFF's even, or Tony had dubbed them, with serious talks and funny movie-nights, and the woman had relished in his company, in his kindness to still allow her near, to bathe in the attention he gave her, as if she was still his most precious gem, his prize, his woman.

Worthy of him.

As it stood, she had never been such, and never would be, and that was okay. She'd learned to live like that. As long as she would have Tony at her side, be it just as a friend, she would be okay.

When she recognized the weapon the DoomBots were outfitted with as deadly for Tony, she could not sit still and hold back. The fight had happened right at the Tower, Doom eager for Tony's tech and science, it had been easy for her to go around Jarvis' security and rush out to help him.

Loki had forgotten her weakness, her mortal body for a moment, furious and ready to engage in battle, and the harsh reality that she would endanger Tony before she would help him rushed inside her mind when her hand had shifted, bones breaking upon connection with a DoomBot.

And then he'd been there, besides her, taking down one enemy, missing the second, and Loki had reacted without thinking, taking the hit that would have killed him. She could not let him die.

It hurt. Her chest was on fire for a split second, and then there was nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Father.”

Ah, so the wayward son had returned at last.

“Thor.”

Time to end the charade. Loki was tired.

While the blonde god approached, 'Odin' inclined his head softly, letting the illusion wash away and reveal himself to the other.

Thor had so suddenly stopped he always fell over his own feet.

“Loki.”, he had growled.

“So good to see you, Brother. I hope you enjoy your fleeing time with the mortal.”

“What have you done to the Allfather?”

“What, no warm welcome for the sibling believed dead? I'm shocked.”, he had drawled, almost blasé, sending a bored glance down to the God of Thunder.

“I will not ask again.”

“Relax, Thor. He succumbed to the Sleep, and has done so for the last years in increasing intervals. I couldn't let the chance slip my grasp when he fell unconscious in front of me after you left me on Svartalfáheimr.”

It had been too good to be true. Loki had hidden the sleeping body, placed him under a protective spell, and had taken the throne to prove to himself this was what he wanted – his right, his place, his fate.

Loki couldn't have been more wrong.

He'd lost interest so very soon, and when Odin woke he had practically thrown Gungir back at him.

How it had ended up in him acting as Odin for the last years whenever the original would have need of rest had escaped his mind. It was an alliance so unheard of it filled him with anxious energy, and it was time to send Thor back to his place.

“Where is he?”

“Safe. Sleeping. Regenerating. Though I think he will not live for much longer. Frigga's death has broken him.”

_As it broke me. Us._

“He is tired of living. Tired of everything. His time is near.”

“For you to take his place constantly?”

Loki huffed out a rough chuckle. By the Nine.

“I grow tired of the throne. It is so utterly boring and not at all what I had imagined when searching for my place in this Worlds. No, Thor, you may have it, even if you do not want it. You are the only one to take it and continue to keep peace. I have long since come to accept that I am not fit to be a king. On neither Realm. I wish for peace now, and you will give it to me.”

Thor had looked so utterly shocked and defensive that Loki had almost laughed out loud.

“Why should I grant you any favour?”

Because you will have my life in your hands. Because I will cease to be a problem. Because all will be so much easier if you accept my proposal.

“I offer my magic and my longevity in favour of a mortal body, to live my life on Midgard and never bother you or any other being ever again.”

His brother had not understood what he was bargaining.

Sighing, Loki raked his hand through his black locks, the constant tiredness in his bones from all that weighed him down, a life so full of failures that he would be content to snuff it out any time.

He had enough of proving himself worthy. He was unable to be such, and he knew that by now. He'd never know how it felt to be accepted for oneself, would never be more than a monster to whomever he encountered, Thor included.

It was enough.

“I have found a place where I could find peace, were I human and mortal. I found a human to love and be loved back, and I wish for Loki to disappear. Midgard is the one place such a deception will bear fruit, as the humans die before they can grow suspicious, and I grow tired of this life as does Odin. I can neither make this mortal live as long as I do, nor make him immortal, but I can do the reverse. I will appoint you king, and your lovely little mortal Queen, should you wish, and then you will proceed to rid me of this skin, of my heritage, and make me mortal so I may find peace and perhaps a shred of happiness in his arms before that weak body will give out and I am returned to the dust and dirt I was so obviously built from. This is a one time offer. Should you reject it, I will vanish and let Asgard tumble into chaos, and leave you to watch your mortal die in a few short decades. Grant me this one wish, and I will never say a single word to you again.”

 

 

Thor had accepted the bargain as soon as he had seen that Odin was indeed well. Sleeping, yes, and looking far more fragile than ever before, but alive.

“I trusted your rage, as you said, and yet you betrayed me.”

“Our deal was over and done when you left me. We had achieved what you wanted.”

There was no rage left. Loki had been as much at fault for Frigga's death as were Odin, Thor and Jane. He had told Algrim where to go, had wanted for Asgard to burn, and had caused the death of the only person that had ever made any effort to make him feel as if he belonged, as if he was good enough as he was.

Anger and bitterness had burned out, and Loki was so very weary.

He had searched out Midgard for entertainment, when the throne became too tedious, had found Tony, and had realigned the already low expectations of his life.

Peace and a snippet of happiness seemed very rewarding, he thought.

Perhaps he could achieve at least this.

 

 

 

 

 

In the end, what Loki never thought to be for him, he had won and would never even know it.

Tony mourned for her and him in equal measure, because just like Bruce, he had been more than just one side, and if he could not see that and accept that, he would not be the Hulk's boyfriend.

Even if Clint smelled a plot, and Thor had to explain that he himself had worked the magic to render the other mortal, just as Odin had done with him once, taking away his magic and his long life, seeing him stumble like a newborn kitten, disoriented with the lack of magic as a sense, while Jane had hesitantly accepted the added years Loki's surrender brought with it.

Neither Loki nor Liv would ever come back.

Tony would never forgive himself for letting her believe she had not been good enough for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry, folks.  
> I know Loki's downright OOC, but I thought about it - it's been a few years since Thor went away, laying down his claim. Loki has reigned as Odin for quite some time, alone, with no one to confide in, with nothing to do besides waiting for Odin to fall back into his slumber, so Loki may finally prove he is totally able to rock the throne and get that tiny shred of praise he's always longed for, just to recognize that ruling is not for him - and that drives him crazy.  
> Loki's practically asking Odin to execute him in Thor2 ("If I'm for the axe then by all means swing it", or something like that), and after being the one who pointed Algrim to the Palace's protection and therefore allowing Frigga to die, he's just so done.  
> A bit of time, and he's tired, and too tired to win himself any favours, seeing as the only one who had loved him in the end was gone.  
> Midgard proves to be entertainment, and that last chance to find a shred of happiness allures Loki, who's tired of darkness and loneliness.  
> And when he sees that even there he's not good enough, he can't go away, craving that last bit of happiness so much he'd hurt himself over and over before letting it go.
> 
> And now I'm going to stop. Sorry. ^^''


End file.
